just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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