I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
