I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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