I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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