the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
