I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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