i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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