apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
