Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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