What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
