you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
