I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
