i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
