can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
