Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
