i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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