Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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