this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
