We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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