dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
