I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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