Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
