thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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