This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize