I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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