New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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