Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize