and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
