i think i have two assholes
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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