I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
