Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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