My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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