last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My cat gives me a boner
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
