were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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