She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
