i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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