tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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