Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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