Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
