We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I will die if light touches me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
