I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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