babies were throwing up all over the place
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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