Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
