Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
