...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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