I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
