morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
