Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
