i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
