I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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